weightless

disappointed

2011-07-24T22:56:00.003+08:00

I know I disappointed you.
My resutls are far from satisfactory. I know that, I really do.
I'm disappointing so many people around me.
I'm not living up to "what I should be".
Everyone keeps telling me that. Everyone.
And I hate it; I hate that I keep disappointing the people I care about.
But its just so hard sometimes.
I can't live up to everyone's expectations. I can't.
Sometimes its more of a matter of what I can be, or maybe even what I want to be, not what I should. It should never be this way.
But life never goes the way you want it to. Nothing does.

I know I disappointed you.
Honestly, I think you disappoint me even more.
I don't know what happened; I don't know what caused us to end up in the state we are in now.
We used to be so happy but now that just seems like a distant and vague memory.
This is supposed to be a family, isn't it?
Aren't we supposed to put in the effort to remain one?
I admit that it's partly my fault; all the late nights and early mornings, all the disappearing acts I pulled and all the lies I told.
But I'm a teenager, its supposed to be this way.
I'm supposed to hate coming home and love staying out late just hanging out with my friends. I'm supposed to lie to you about where I've been and who I've been with because I know it may upset you and I'm thinking that its just a fundamental trait that every teenager acquires.
I'm supposed to be like this. But what about you?
Aren't you supposed to be home when I'm home?
Aren't you supposed to yell at me and scold me or even call and text me a million times when it gets late?
Aren't you supposed to be there for me?
Aren't you supposed to be the embarrassingly loving parents I once had?
What happened?
Was it because I pushed you away too often?
Or was it because you got absorbed into your own little world?
I honestly don't know what happened.
All I know is that I'm disappointed.
More in one than the other.
Because I find it so difficult to believe, that the model of my ideal husband would end up being like this.
I find it difficult to believe that you would make use of your spouse and call her a bad parent just because of the way I'm behaving.
I know I disappointed you. But you disappoint me more.

pretending

2011-06-20T23:19:00.003+08:00

I'm not okay.
I pretend that I'm fine and everyone sees the smile on my face.
But I'm not okay.
Not even the slightest bit.
I can't remember how to be cheerful all the time anymore.
There used to be this lightness I feel; like floating.
But I don't; I can't feel that.

This house is not a home; and you are far from being the kind and perfect parent you think you are.
I don't see the point in coming back to this house because when I do, it's empty.
This used to be a place where I'd find comfort or at least someone to talk to.
But it's not like that anymore because you are so addicted to your games that you end up neglecting your "precious" only child.
I don't think you should care what time I come back to this house or even care about what I do at all because to put it simply, you don't care.
You may think you do, but you don't.
Because if you truly cared, you wouldn't leave me alone everyday.
Even if you did, when you came back, you'd at least talk to me and ask about my day.
But you don't; you don't care.
And it hurts that you don't because I do.
You're my parents and I care even though I act like I don't.
But I don't even see the point in caring anymore.
This house is not a home.

I love you; I really do.
You're the only person capable of making me the happy person I know I should be.
Yet at the same time, you're the person causing my insecurity.
I know I don't have perfect skin; I know I'm far from having your ideal body; I know that I'm not perfect.
But is it really so important to you?
I'm trying so hard; so hard that it's slowly killing me.
I try to give you as much time as I possibly can.
I try to take care of my health; to be less sickly because it worries you.
I try to take extra care of my appearance because I know how much you want me to look good.
I try to find time to study as hard as I can because my future, our future depends on it.
I try to sleep early like you want me to, but how can I when I have to try to juggle so many things?
I try to be as cheerful as I can when I'm with you, but I can't always be happy.
I try to give you all my attention, but sometimes I've other important things to handle as well.
I'm trying so so hard... Can't you tell?
It kills me because I don't feel that you notice how much I try to keep you happy.
But I love you; I really do.

I'm not okay.
I pretend that I'm fine and everyone sees the smile on my face.
Can I just stop pretending for this one night?
Because I'm not okay.

the past

2011-03-19T18:37:00.002+08:00

it's something that some of us linger upon, something that some run away from, and perhaps something that some embrace.
I, for one, have always been pretty great at running away from it.
but one can only evade a storm for so long.
I'm not proud of what happened in the past; nor do I even want to remember it at times because thinking of all those people I've disappointed kills me.
then again, remembering it makes me appreciate those who have stuck around.

"forgive but don't forget"
I know you live by that principal.
thank you for forgiving me and thank you for still loving me; thank you for everything.
you'll probably never read this, but it's fine because I can never thank you enough for being in my life.
I'm not going to let you down, nor am I going to ever break my promises because you mean too much to me to ever hurt you even the slightest bit.
we'll get through everything together like we said we would.

I love you LLS <3

sorry

2011-03-04T00:28:00.003+08:00

I seem to always have trouble with living up to my promises.
sometimes I really don't know what's wrong with me because I keep letting the people I love down.
perhaps that's the reason why I'm always so hesitant to promise someone anything.
I made a promise to you that I'd stay away because I know you detested him.
I've really been trying to do that.
honestly he's the person I speak to least in class.
but it seems that I still didn't fully live up to my promise and I'm sorry.
I do care about how you feel; so much that it affects me whenever you're upset.
I'm not the best at assuring people, and I seriously suck at cheering people up but I've been putting in 101% effort into doing that for you.
it's not that I'm complaining, I'm more than willing to do all these and more for you, it' just that I need an outlet for me to ease some of this heart ache I'm feeling.
I don't know how to calm you down or how to make you stop feeling upset.
but I'm trying. I'm trying so hard.
I feel terrible for breaking my promise.
I'm sorry that sorry seems to be the only thing I'm good at

chapter one

2011-01-22T23:01:00.003+08:00

this is my first post in the year 2011
it's a new year; a fresh start for me especially having graduated from secondary school
things will probably never really be the same again in so many different ways
but I know who my friends and family are, and I'll never forsake any one of them
again
at the end of last year, or perhaps you can count it as the start of this year, I met someone who changed my life in possibly the most wonderful way anyone can
maybe it's a little too rushed for me to say this, and it's probably a little too early for me to be able to see where and how things will go, but I'm glad; I really am
because for the first time in my life, I've actually found and met someone whom I know I won't be ashamed to bring to those I hold dear; to my friends and family
for the first time, I actually am truly happy
I know my friends are disappointed in me at times because I give in to such things too easily, and I was probably always too "in love with the idea of love"
I know I haven't made the best of decisions in the past, and this decision I made was perhaps a little too soon but for some reason, even despite the fact that I told myself I wouldn't give in anymore, I just had to
I mean when you know, you just know it
I'm not saying that he's the one, like I'm really going to spend the rest of my life with him, although I think I really would love that
but somewhere deep down, I just know that I won't regret ever making this decision, even if he ends up breaking up my heart
like I told my doctor, however embarrassing it may be, the favourite thing about myself, is him
he makes me regret so many decisions I've made in the past because he makes me feel like he's the one I've been waiting for
I trust him

2011 started out great for me, and I hope it'll stay this way for a while
even when times aren't great, when I'm stressed out with school or with family and friends, when things just don't seem to be going the right way, I hope that eventually, I'll see the light again and that I won't be alone this time around

workaholic

2010-12-18T21:38:00.002+08:00

I feel like such a workaholic sometimes.
it's as if my life revolves around work nowadays ):
but at least I'm having fun at work...
work = ~~walking + irregular meals + rain + sun + lack of sleep = flu + cough + gastric flu =~~ dying
I just need loads and loads of rest right now but I work 6 days a week!
and I can't even rest on sundays lately )':
fml I miss my friends and I miss having a normal teenage life that doesn't involve working.

anywayyy Christmas is coming ^^
I normally hate Christmas but after having work my ass off for the past few days has made me realise how nice it is (because all I do is just sit there, eat and drink. HEHE)
going to spend this Christmas the same way I always do again.
funny, something always happens a few weeks before Christmas.
maybe I'm just cursed that way ):
but nonetheless, I shall just appreciate this time to spend with family and friends (;

team outing at ECP tomorrow.
hehehe I <3 DDDP ^^

Disney

2010-12-04T03:19:00.003+08:00

I've been watching Disney movies since 2130.
The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Mulan.
it made me smile to watch all these movies from my childhood but you know, I really wish my life were like a Disney movie.
I don't need to be a beautiful princess like Ariel or Aurora; I don't need to be as brave or as oustanding as Belle or Mulan.
I just wish that despite the sad twist in the middle of the movie, I'd still have a happy ending.
one year ago, on this very day, the life I had thought to be a Disney movie had met its twist.
the only difference is, I never got my happy ending.
it may seem meaningless for me to linger on this now and I know I shouldn't even remember it, but that day really changed me.
perhaps I'd involved myself too much into it and gave too much of myself away.
because when we both agreed to the decision I'd made, I was left devastated and now I know that a part of both of us had died.
it's really funny how everything can change with a small decision.
a series of stupid mistakes made on both our parts has left us the way we are today.
I just wish things were different; I want things to go back to how they used to be because at least you were there for me and hate never existed.
but I know it is futile for me to hope, and I know I shouldn't even be thinking such thoughts.
it's just months ago, you told me that maybe things could restart today.
that we would meet up and maybe, just maybe, everything would be the same again.
but a few months after that I let you go and now today will never happen.
I don't know what I'm hoping for, actually.
the feelings I'm feeling now are probably just the remnants of what used to be.
life was never meant to be like a Disney movie; so why should I expect anything?
a year ago, I said goodbye to you.
and now, a year later, we're really going our seperate ways; never to meet again.
040709 will just be another string of numbers in my life and 041209 will never have existed.
then maybe you will just be another face in the crowd; your name just a careless whisper beside my ear.
everything is really over now. goodbye to you.

numb

2010-11-23T21:00:00.003+08:00

I'm actually starting to find this abnormally prolonged period of seclusion rather comforting.
is it bad? for me to get used to being alone most of the time.
well it's always proved to be a rather useful trait of mine; adaptation.
maybe after being cut off for this period of time has helped me to see that I actually like being alone.
although the occasional company is always welcomed but I guess I shouldn't ask or hope for much seeing as everyone has their own lives to lead.
you know, I actually like visiting the hospital.
despite the envy that I feel when I see others with so many people around them, the feeling of just sitting there alone and waiting in silence is rather comforting.
perhaps the thought of waiting for something that I know will happen is comforting.
instead of waiting for something I know may never come.
in any case, I'm feeling rather devoid of emotion and actually any feeling at all.
numb; that's pretty much it right now.
I've lost a lot of blood in the last few hours and having eaten two sandwiches hasn't helped me to recover.
but oddly enough, I like this feeling.
because at least now, I don't have to feel angry or upset. I just feel numb.
devoid of all my senses.
although I must say that I feel abnormally weak.
I may have liked going to the hospital alone, but I think I would have preferred it if someone were actually there when the needle was pierced into my veins and when all seven viles of blood were drawn from me.
and perhaps I would have enjoyed company when my doctor asked me how family life was and when she stated "detached family syndrome" after I tried to uncaringly tell her how things were.
but then again, I guess it was all right for me to face all of that alone.
I just hope that those results turn out perfectly fine because I don't want my parents to be brought into the picture when regarding my health.
sometimes I really find myself weird.
I want them to care, yet I don't want them to.
is there something wrong with me?
I feel like such a walking contradiction.

spaces

2010-11-23T14:35:00.003+08:00

it's really funny how I always end up being alone.
at times, I do enjoy the solitude but it's becoming a little too often lately.
if everyone in my life were measured by a space within me, then right now I'd be rather empty.
I mean I've got friends who care a lot about me and while they do hold a certain amount of space, there's still this empty spot there.
but I don't know what I can do to make it full again because I don't even see or hear from the people these spaces belong to much.
right now I'm about to leave for the hospital and knowing my doctor, she's going to ask me questions about everything.
am I supposed to act like I'm okay? because I don't really know how.
sometimes I really feel like running away from home.
if this place is even considered home.
maybe I'm just thinking too much and perhaps my moodswings have gotten the better of me.
but I've been crying for days now and I'm not feeling better.
funny, it used to work.
you know how they say that the one who made you cry is the only one who can make you stop?
that's exactly the situation now.
yet again, I don't know what I can do about it, so I'll just leave these spaces to be spaces.
spaces that need to be filled but may never be.

nobody's home

2010-11-22T23:11:00.001+08:00

I really hate you so much even though I know I shouldn't.
But honestly you have given me every reason to abhor you this much.
I thought it would get better, just like how everyone said it would, but it didn't.
In fact, it got worse and I think the situation is getting out of hand.
But can I do anything about it? Well yeah sure I can but I don't want you to hate me for resorting to such measures.
I don't know why I actually bother sometimes since when I call to ask, all you can say to me is to "feed the dog" or "sleep with the dog" and sometimes even a "don't ask so much".
Yet again, you are my 'parents' so I guess I'm obliged to feeling this way.
But I hate it. I really hate how I actually care so much about this because it makes me sad every single time when I walk home and realise that you aren't even there.
I make the effort to come home early when you ask me to and what do I get when I reach home? An empty house.
This house is not a home. I guess I'm just a pathetic homeless girl.

Well, I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it every day
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reasons why
You've been rejected
And now you can't find
What you've left behind

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place

She's lost inside, lost inside

angst

2010-11-22T03:30:00.003+08:00

I think I'm PMS-ing.
Hell, I don't think, I know I am.
I mean why else would I be all teary-eyed while reading my Quizilla story when they were just fucking each other and they confessed their obvious love midway.
Yes I do realised that I just used the f word when I normally don't because I'm paranoid about using it most of the time.
But heck it I've been swearing like the whole damn world owes me something for the past few days and I'm not exactly complaining.
I get angry for the smallest reasons, then I cheer up a little before I suddenly feel all emo and I end up crying.
Fuck. My. Life.
As you can see, I'm obviously angry now.
This is so fucked up.
I hate PMS-ing.

I just don't get it you know. I mean like okay I'm sorry I couldn't go out and stuff but I have a life too. Although you always meet me when I ask and I know I always decline when you ask... Okay I know I'm at fault but seriously why the fuck are you so angry about it? I don't really know if you're angry but I just have the feeling that you are. Regardless, I just don't get it. I'm all pissy now because you're fucking ignoring me. So much for this time being different. Well it is actually, because I don't hear from you 99% of the time and sometimes I don't even know why I give a shit. When I call, you answer me in three words. Three fucking words when I actually sucked it up and took initiative. Something I normally wouldn't have done. I told myself I wasn't going to care, but I can't help it because it's rather hard to change that particularly annoying trait of mine. Then after I get all angry about this I feel guilty because I know I'm obviously at fault. And reading that story didn't help because it kept reminding me of this so I cried. I fucking cried for no apparent reason. Actually there is a reason. I cried because I cared when I know I shouldn't. This is so screwed up. Maybe I did use the appropriate word back then. Mistake. Perhaps it was a mistake for me to give someone who leads an almost completely different life from mine a chance. I may like you but that isn't reason enough for me to tolerate the things I'm putting up with. I just don't want to fucking care anymore but for some unknown and completely odd reason, I want you to be there and I want you to change and I just want you to fucking contact me right now because I don't want to bother taking the initiative now when I know you won't even reply me. What else can I do, right? I have to wait miserably and pathetically for you to get over yourself and just call or even fucking message me. So much to the point that I even switched off all my phones because I didn't want to give myself false hope. Ha. Ha. Ha. False hope? This is utterly ridiculous. I don't even want to fucking hope. But will my conscience allow it? NO. Instead of enjoying myself, half the time I'm worried about how I've pissed you off and how bad a person I am being to you. Then I think about it logically and I realise you're probably out there somewhere with your friends having the time of your fucking life while I'm stuck here. In my pathetic room ranting about all this shit on my stupid blog because I don't want to talk about it and the only thing I can do to get this out of my system is by doing it here. Fuck this. Seriously just fuck this. I think I'm going crazy because I haven't seen you. For 8 fucking days. Not that it's very long. But for some reason it's getting on my nerves. Especially since you don't even want to talk to me. This is pathetic. I feel like such a pathetic little bitch. God, I need a life.

stupid

2010-11-15T23:38:00.002+08:00

when I look back on everything this past few months, I can't help but feel that I'm such a stupid, stupid girl.
and I'm not the only one who notices this.
maybe my skull's really just that thick and nothing gets through to me anymore.
because right now, it seems to me, and to people I care about, that I just don't learn.
perhaps the only thing that somehow managed to stick to this pea-sized brain of mine is to be the bitch that I know I am being to people.
it's really quite funny, how stupid I can be.
risking so many things, when I know what's not good for me.
then again, it's like I said, I am a stupid, stupid girl.
I don't know what to do or think and I'll probably be too dumb to even to notice if God sent me a sign.
but what else can I do, other than being a fool?
sometimes I don't even understand myself anymore.
the only thing I know now is how much I wish I could just fade away and cease to be this stupid, stupid girl who's so lost and can't find her way back.
I really wish that I could just fade to black.
and then maybe everything will turn out to be better, and this stupid, stupid girl wouldn't have to matter.

why

2010-11-14T00:45:00.002+08:00

sometimes I really don't understand the things that go on in life.
why is it that people must have such defined mindsets?
it is really difficult at times, to go on with such a life.
it's like being torn apart by the people you care most about.
then again, why must we go through such torment?
why? that's all I can ask, really. just a simple 'why'
I really don't want things to be like this.
is it so hard to have the best of both worlds?

death

2010-10-30T21:18:00.002+08:00

at times, I sit down alone, wondering what it would be like if I jumped off a building.
would I die before the impact of the fall, or would I feel the excruciating pain of hitting the ground?
what does it feel like, falling?
do we feel a sense of helplessness because we know that whatever the outcome is, whether we die or not, there isn't a thing we can do about it?
or do we feel the freedom that we've always longed for, the excitement, the thrill of free-falling and the bliss of finally leaving all that hurts us behind?
and then again, what is it like to die?
or perhaps the real question that puzzles me is what happens after our death?
do our souls linger on Earth, watching the human world live on after our time has come?
do we move on to heaven or hell?
or perhaps there really isn't anything left after we've departed.
nothing. maybe nothing awaits us.
just an abyss of emptiness, darkness and solitude.
maybe, just maybe.
I really can't help but wonder sometimes, what would it be like if we were nothing?
if every single person out there on this planet were just a soul, a mind in that sense.
if we all didn't have any physical sense of existing, what would it be like?
why do we even exist, for that matter?
if all we end up doing is involve ourselves in narcissism and war, what purpose is there to that?
but then again, these are just farcical thoughts of a girl, so don't look into it too fervently.
just give me something to believe in...

last

2010-10-14T20:00:00.000+08:00

If you've got anything to say about or to me, please just have some guts and say it to my face.
We're not primary school kids anymore so stop making things so repetitive and childish, to an extent, because it's starting to get on my nerves.
I know you may be worried for me, I mean I'm not exactly the world's best and most persevering mugger, but I would rather hear those comments from you and not someone else.
I understand that you may not cherish us as much as you do your other friends but whatever it is, you're still a friend to me.

Tomorrow is the last day of school.
It's only 11 days to Os and I think I'm going to be doomed. FML
Someone please just sit me down, take away my phone and my iPod and make me study like how I know I should be.
I need a miracle.

smile

2010-10-02T22:15:00.002+08:00

as of October 1st 2010, I offically became a graduate of CHIJ Secondary (Toa Payoh)
it really makes me sad actually, to leave the IJ family after ten wonderful years
but as they say, once and IJ girl, always an IJ girl (:
and IJ will always be a part of me no matter where I go in the future.
besides, I've got my babes from school to take on what they call 'the real world' (;
IJ friends are friends for LIFE!
and I'm glad to have them because they make me smile (:

however, friends aren't the only reason for the joy in my life...
they are too (:

this is how the day went:
I woke up and picked up my iTouch immediately, wanting to watch my loves because I was too tired to do so last night.
at that very moment, I realised I woke up late and had to rush to meet Chloe to study ):
-fast forward-
iTouch runs out of battery so I decide to use my iPhone and suddenly remembered my SHINee again.
then I watched it in super bad quality but I was totally excited :D
-fast forward-
I sit on my bed and decide to finally watch my loves in HD.
"SHINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
"OMG JONG YOU MAKE ME HAPPY (giggles)
"Gosh Onew, cut your hair! ... but you're still quite hot. hehehe
"TAEMIN YOUR SINGING IMPROVEDDDD
"AHHH JONG YOU STILL MAKE ME SO HAPPY
"KEY MY BABE YOU ARE SO KYOPTA
-dies-
-screams internally-
"oooooo Minhonie is singing~
-dies at Jjong's smile-
"Key should really get more parts ):
"ooooo Onew's singing is good
"Ahhhh Taeminnieeeeeeeee WHY ARE YOU SO CUTE
-DIES A MILLION TIMES AT JONGKEY MOMENT-
-SCREAMS INTERNALLY-"

yeah that was the whole process of watching them (:

and on the other handddddd
B2ST MY LOVES CAME BACK WITH SOOM
OMG THEY MAKE SO (S)EXCITED :D

I love my life today <3

sometimes

2010-09-26T22:49:00.000+08:00

sometimes I forget why I even have a phone because I barely even use it nowadays and I find it a complete waste of electricity at times.
well solitude is a nice change once in a while and I think I've somewhat come to enjoy it quite a lot.
but honestly I think I'm on the verge of a mental break down from the amount of homework I'm getting and knowing the fact that Os are in 29 days doesn't really do well in helping the situation.
in any case, I'm just going to finish running the final laps of this race and be done with the terror we call Os in 47 days.

sometimes the thought makes me smile so blissfully, I think I'm crazy.
but it's the little things in life that keep me happy and I'm glad I still have a reason to feel happy.

this moment is perfect, please don't go away cause I need you now

life

2010-09-18T20:16:00.001+08:00

I come home after a long day out and after I finish bathing, my parents are asleep.
The next day, I awake to my mother and she drives me to school a while later.
After school, I go out with my friends and come home early. Next thing I know, they tell me that they're going out and ask me to sleep with the dog.
In the middle of the night, they come home and get the dog out of my room and when I wake up the next day, that being today, I am alone again.
What a nice life. I'm practically living alone.

Oh well at least I'm somewhat enjoying my solitude thanks to book reading /:

Hello Goodbye

2010-09-11T23:54:00.001+08:00

I've had fun the past week (:
It's great to not have to worry about exams for a week although there are other things that trouble me which are way larger than Os.
But I'll keep smiling and tell myself that I'm just being paranoid.
The end of my secondary school life is coming and even though I really wish it wouldn't, I can't help but look forward to it.
Once November ends, I can just disappear from the face of the Earth and only come back in January to collect my results (:
I may not seem or feel like it, but I actually think I'm pretty much prepared to take my exams.
I don't care anymore because I know that this is my limit and I can't push myself any further or I'd just end up going crazy.
And I'm glad that my parents don't push me to study because if they did that, I probably would have let my "just screw this I hate my life and I don't want to live anymore" plan take action a long time ago.
But don't worry, I don't think it'll really happen because I still have responsibilities (sadly)

"How can it hurt if I feel no pain?
How can I heal if I look the same?"
I really like this line.
I guess being broken is just a part of me because I've never been whole anyway.
I'm a walking disaster, and when I think about it, I may just love being this imperfect.
It's okay and it's up to you to do what you want, even if it means that I'll end up hurt again because it's just how life works.
Our decisions may be based on what we think is best for others, but it may not be the case for the individual in concern.

"Women without men is like a fish without a bicycle"
Hehehehe I love this quote ttm (;

第一次是巧合，第二次是偶然，第三次就是命中注定。

To Anyone

2010-09-10T01:25:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry that I've made you worry, and I'm glad that I've got friends like you who keep me company during such times.
I know that I have to let go, and I will.
It's just that he's been in my heart for 14 months and it's really hard for me to not have him there.
But everything will be all right because he's pretty much left my life completely.
And now I'm just in this condition where I have to pull myself together again.
I don't really know how I'm going to do that because I know I can't run away like I did before and neither can I constantly rely on my friends for support.
I'm not sure how long it will take, and whether I will be able to recover completely, but I'll pull through somehow because I can't let all the people around me down.
Besides, I need to concentrate on studying now so I can't let this affect me more than it already does.
I'll just keep telling myself that everything's going to turn out okay and it will.
And I'll try my best to stop starving myself and neglecting my health because I know how much you worry about that.
I miss 2008 because back then, I was a much better person and everything was just wonderful.
So right now, that is my goal: to go back to how things were then.
Thanks for the concern. I really appreciate it (:

Please

2010-09-05T19:49:00.003+08:00

If you're going to walk into my life and try to sweep me off my feet once more, please do me a favour and warn me beforehand.
Because if you're going to walk away and leave me to suffer alone again, I'd rather you never tried to make me fall in love with you since you always succeed.
It's like they say: The first time you fall, you're naive. The second, you're gullible. And if you ever fall the third time, then you're just stupid.
I'm tired of these mind games that you love to play, sick of trying to find out what you're thinking.
It's like a roller coaster ride that never stops building me up and pushing me down.
I'm stuck in this vicious cycle where I build this wall between us, and you just somehow manage to find a way to tear it down. And just when I'm about to get up on cloud nine, you turn away and push me down.
My heart can't take it anymore so please...
Stop occupying my thoughts, stop making every piece of my broken heart miss you.
Just stop because I don't think I can handle being broken anymore.

Dearest

2010-09-01T22:56:00.002+08:00

Dear Chloe,
I'm glad that I have you as my friend. Thank you for being there when I needed you most... Thank you for everything that you've done for me. I'm sorry that I kept that secret with me for so long, and I'm glad that I told you because at least now I don't have to keep it to myself anymore. It's going to be hard for me, but like you said, what's done is done and it's over. Remember to make sure I keep to my promise: "not until I'm 20!"
Thank you and I love you (:

one

2010-08-22T21:54:00.002+08:00

I'm so happy that I managed to get what I wanted for Chinese (:
Up till now, I still can't believe that I actually got my one.

prelims in two days
graduation ceremony in forty days
o levels in sixty four days.

I don't want to leave IJ ):
I'm going to miss everything so much...
But like they always say, IJ friends and friends for life.

where is your boy tonight
I hope he is a gentlemen
and maybe he won't find out what I know
you were the last good thing about this part of town

no more PE for the rest of the year )':
I was beginning to enjoy myself and it just had to end.

JJ laoshi said to me today "you're very self-conscious. you're like a neat freak in your mind. you try your best to focus and stay alert, but you can't help but drift away and you stop yourself from doing so. you're putting too much pressure on yourself and I think your mind is tired of doing all that"

I think what he said is very true. hahaha
and he's only been my teacher for two months.
I wonder if everyone else realises that as well...

lucky

2010-08-08T23:43:00.004+08:00

omg this video made me cry so much )':
yes, I know it's in chinese but it's really... SO SAD.
I couldn't stop crying. lol.

anywayyyy I cut my hair today (:
I'm quite sad that my fringe is practically just long bangs and that when I tie up my hair, it looks shorter than it actually is, but it's fine.
tomorrow is national day and daddy's birthday O:
I haven't gotten him anything and I feel bad, but I'll make up for it. somehow.

oh oh oh. YOG torch relay yesterday was awesome (;
I'M SO PROUND TO BE AN IJ-IAN.
I had fun cheering and screaming in the pouring rain.
(I even prayed because I didn't want it to rain, but in the end I was thankful that it did because we were released earlier. HAHA)
took pictures with Joanne Peh and SHAN WEE.
I'm so astounded that people actually don't really know SHAN WEE >:O
but oh well. went to Your Woul with Ying, Regine and Amanda after that and our bill was like $136.30.
THE FOOD WAS SO NICE. I NEED TO EAT MORE MEAT.
felt like a pig because I went home and slept for two hours before going out to Marina Bay Sands Hotel to have a nice buffet dinner with my parents.
(omg it was the first time I had a proper dinner with my parents this week)
the bill was $240 lol. and to think the day before, I had dinner with my mum at some high class restaurant and it cost $102.
goodness since when did I become so high maintainence?! O:
ah well it was all good food and I ate to my satisfaction ^^
Going to my dad's favourite chinese restaurant for lunch with my parents and grandma tomorrow afternoon.
I feel like such a happy kid :D

Shall just use this long weekend to relax a bit before I go crazy and die from lack of sleep, lack of medical treatment for my VERY PERSISTENT illnesses and my constant and ever-going blurness that really will kill me one day.
Hah. but even a car can't kill me. just left me bruised. and I was just rejoicing that my bruise finally cleared /:
can't wait for tomorrow to come. which will in 2 minutes O:
Singapore's turning 45! wheeee I'm so excited.

And lol happy birthday to Singapore ^^
(it's exactly 12 now~)
watched Hannah Montana: The Movie just now and damn my hate for her actually reduced.
and the guy. omg he's so CUTE. I kept shouting that throughout the movie. HEHE.
I miss the old Britney Spears ):
watched her old movie Crossroads on monday and she was so lovable then!
and her songs were so much nicer.
(she used to be my idol. lol)

okay this is getting really long.
I shall log off now and catch some sleep since my study-till-you-wanna-die routine starts again on tuesday O:

maybe

2010-08-01T17:22:00.005+08:00

well I'm finally online after such a long time, and I'm just here to say that this blog may soon become even more inactive than it already is.
once this year ends, I'll be able to go back to being the cheerful Rachel who actually has a life other than studying and I honestly look forward to that day.

they ignore each other
and look the other way
but they both know
it wasn't supposed to end this way

I may not show it much, but I do admit that I feel alone.
everyday when I come home, the house is empty.
in school, despite being surrounded by my friends, I feel empty.

maybe we're trying
trying too hard
maybe we're torn apart
maybe the timing
is beating our hearts
we're empty

I've failed in the one thing I was genuinely good at - making myself happy.
I'm not happy anymore, nor do I really have a good reason to be, and I don't know what I can do about it.
but it's okay. I'll be okay and I'll just keep telling myself that.

she cries, cries, cries in her lonely heart thinking:
"if there's nothing missing in my life then why do these fears come at night?"

I know that I always seem to be very emotional/depressed or even self-decieving but I can't help myself.
I've always lived my life this way and it's becoming a habit.
perhaps it may seem bad to some, but we're all different.
And I honestly believe that I don't need to have someone special there for me at this point of time, so don't try to persuade me otherwise.

what can I say?
maybe I'm just going back in time.
maybe I'm just tired.
maybe we're all so caught up in our own worlds that we start to forget about the things around us.
maybe, just maybe, we were once so in love with the idea of love that it never really hit us that it might not be true.
afterall, the magic of first love is the ignorance that it could ever end.

why is it that we all only want something that we know we can't have?
and after we try so hard to get it, after all the effort you put in, it all ends with disappointment.
why is it that we all just can't tell ourselves that it's not worth the trouble and heartache?

if every heartbreak, and every sorrow of my life were etched onto my heart, I really wonder if it would still be able to function properly.
I've made so many wrong decisions, so many selfish acts, and in the end, I jeer at my idiocy because I keep repeating that same mistake.
in a way, I think that the piece I wrote for my english essay actually does somehow relate to me.
every scar in my heart, is just a painful reminder of the many times I've failed.
and maybe one day, I'll really end up like her - driven mad by temptation.

Maybe you're a sinner
In your alternate life
Maybe you're a joker
Maybe you deserve to die

Maybe you're a chaser
Of young teen hearts
Maybe you're a cheater
Maybe you're a work of art

Maybe you're the one
That I need
Maybe you're that boy
Maybe you'll help me breathe

Maybe you're perfect
In my eyes
Maybe you'll never know me
Maybe you heart is ice

Maybe you're taken
By that girl
Maybe you're everything
I need in my world

Maybe one day
You’ll see who I am
Maybe you're just
Another one-night stand

Maybe I'll wait
Maybe I'll not
Because maybe you mean
Nothing at all

I'll be your everything and it'll mean nothing

red

2010-07-23T22:15:00.011+08:00

my left leg currently has two rather severe-looking bruises thanks to PE.

at least I had fun in the process of getting them /:

anyway I somehow managed to survive hell week 1, however bad my condition is right now.
my eyes are dying from a lack of rest, my back aching from heavy books and not to mention the persistent flu I'm suffering from.
everything is starting to blur together now and I really wonder how much longer I can withstand this.
but as always, I shall be optimistic and hope for the better.

on a side note, I was really happy about the essay I wrote today (:
it was an improved and much more saddistic version of my essay in sec 2 that thrilled me so much as I wrote it in bio class.

94 days left!
please let it end before I crumble.

I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.

<3

2010-07-09T19:48:00.001+08:00

Was supposed to stay back in school till 9 for extra chem but everyone decided to pon together (;
Watched Eclipse again with the peeps and I'm totally in love with Lautner now <3
Anyway I'm seeking refuge in Regine's house now and also getting free dinner. Heh

Regine reminded me that I've got two pets before my dog :O
And the funniest thing is that my first pet was a spider that I had for like three days before it tried to escape and I accidentally killed it. LOL
According to Regine, I named it Legolas. Hahahahaha
What was I doing during my childhood :O
My second pet was the saddest though. I had a pet guinea pig and it died of shock because my dad was watching X-Men REALLY loudly. )':
Sad to say, I don't remember it's name even though I cried for 3 days after having it for 2 weeks :x

I totally suck at badminton~
Omo the new PE teacher already knows my name ):

2AM's coming tomorrow )':
Gonna go study with my babe and attempt to finish my geog.

오리진 (;

night drive

2010-07-05T22:23:00.001+08:00

my long weekend was unproductive to the extreme max. >:(
I need to stop procrastinating and get down to doing some serious hardcore work!
I have the sudden urge to move in to school and live there till Os are over. Lol.
alright, perhaps I shouldn't be so extreme, but I think there is a serious need for me to constantly be in a conducive environment /:
the beginning of the end is not too far away now

SHINee TOMORROW

tonight's gonna be a good night

2010-07-01T22:18:00.006+08:00

Tuesday, October 13 2009

From IJ Library:

Clara and I decided that we would go to Sentosa beach and shout across the horizon "REGINAAAAAAA" when my honeystar goes to Harvard (:

She replied with a "whot?"

and the hot dude next to her said "whot?"

AND THUS CLARA AND I CONTRIBUTED TO HER WONDERFUL LOVE LIFE xDDDDD

teehee. story of regina's wonderful life. :)

P.S. Regina and Rachel typed this while Clara was doing REGINA AND CLARA'S Lit (:
(Which means that Regina isn't helping Clara D:)

Regina: TEEHEE!

Rachel: -.- Ah ma go back

Regina: Go back into the ocean before I eat you, tuna.

Regina just hurt THE RETARDED SEXY TUNA FISHBALL's feelings )':
BOOO Regina.

ReginaTheChickenBob just signed out.

RachelTunaBobzxz just signed out.

ClaraTheAwesome just signed in.

Clara: How you doing...? (:

Today

Omg hahahaha I miss those times (;

During SS today:

Cyn: omg you know my friend is gonna get his girlfriend a Tiffany's necklace?! TIFFANY'S

Me: omg seriously? he's so nice to her. O:

Cyn: yeah I know right?! he's such a perfect boyfriend! ugh why aren't I as lucky? ):

Me: yeahhh omg when I was with my ex, he didn't give me a flower. A FLOWER!

Cyn: omg me too! wth not even a flower! hi-five babe!

Hahahahaha <3 sitting with Cyn.
She keeps me awake with kpop talks in class. heh (;
Kwon and Ga In are love ^^

Cross-Country tomorrow O:
I'm gonna try to get a medal. teehee ^^
FINALLY, tonight I don't have to rush through homework!
대박!

5 more days to SHINee~

사랑해~
you are my angel <3

we can be so perfect

2010-06-29T00:25:00.003+08:00

less than four months to Os.
eight weeks to prelims.
seven hours before I go to school with a hell lot of homework undone.
I'd very much want to actually complete my SS, Maths (A and E) and even the impossible 90 questions from Geog.
But unfortunately, I'd need at least 90 hours to complete Geog, and SS is still half done.
(I don't even want to mention Math)
Seriously, FML. Why is life so hard nowadays...

8 days to SHINee~

why don't you get it
baby let me love ya, love ya, love ya

caught up in the moment

2010-06-22T21:53:00.002+08:00

A lot of things have happened in the recent months. Be it good or bad, everything had worn me down. I have to admit that I was an emotional wreck after all that had happened last December.

"Everyday I tell myself the same thing.
Everyday I tell myself that hoping would only leave me disappointed.
And everyday I jeer at my idiocy for wanting something that won't be there.
Yet everyday I keep feeling the same emptiness.
Because everyday I'm reminded by that very emptiness that something was once there."

Those were my exact words back then. I was, in a sense, in a state of depression. And so I changed myself. I became a person who laughed much more because I was sick of crying everyday. I became a person who constantly made time for her friends because I had neglected them. I pretended that absolutely nothing was wrong and that I was perfectly all right. Every time a sad thought flashed across my mind, I shunned it away. And for a moment, my scheme of running away had worked. I really was happier but not because I cheated myself into believing it. I was happier because I had friends I could place my trust in and a family to safeguard me. I may always say that I hate my parents; well yes I do hate them. Sometimes. But it's sort of like a love-hate relationship. I may always complain about how much my dog likes to take up space on my bed when my parents are away, or how she'd wake me up with her incessant barking and how she likes to sit on me, but I do love her. And when her time has come, I do believe that I will be the one who cries the hardest, because that's just who I am. I am still, and always will be the crybaby that I am. I may not be the world's greatest friend, I mean come on, I love bitching about people who piss me off. But I think that I've got wonderful friends who are always there for me. I've got friends whom I like to annoy for fun and still trust me enough to tell me things that are close to heart. I've got friends whom I constantly 'bicker' with and we're still the close sisters we are. I've got friends whom I love talking to, friends whom I love hugging, friends who I just love to be around with. All of these amazing people made me realise life isn't worth being depressed about. For a moment, I truly was happy with life. I was even able to cope with the immense stress that I'm sure everyone my age goes through this year.

But the problem is, I was still running away. I had become so accustomed to being happy and staying strong in front of others, that I forgot about the pain in my heart. I had become so realistic about everything that I forgot how to dream. In a way, becoming this joyful person that I am has inversely caused me to become unhappy. And as time passed, I became tired. I grew weary of avoiding the hurt I know I feel, and not being able to just voice it out like how I used to. I miss the times when I cried because I felt that there was a need to, because now I can hardly do it. I miss the times when I'd dream of the silliest things because it made me happy. If there were a land of dreams, mine would be found to be forgotten. There is a difference between suppressing and letting go. And I think that all this time, I've been suppressing everything and anything negative. So much that, I can't take it anymore. Yet at the same time, suppressing all this negativity has also helped me let go of things I had clung onto in the past. I don't know if this particular change is for the better. Perhaps it was at the beginning, given the state I was in, but now, it's a different story. I know that I'm lost, and I need to find myself. I want to be able to feel pain, even if it breaks my heart. I want to be able to dream again. I always tell people that we shouldn't care about what others think about us. Yet I never follow my own advice despite the fact that I've already experienced that what others say don't matter, it's what we make of ourselves. For once, I actually want to listen to my heart and not my brain. I don't want to fulfil my parents' hopes; I want to accomplish mine. I know that it's rather selfish of me to think that way, but in the end, it's my life to live. I don't want to leave this world with any more regrets and I don't want to place my hopes on someone else when right now, I can realise them myself.

It's true when I said that I'm not the person whom I used to be. I will never be the same Rachel that I once was. However, that doesn't mean that she's lost forever. People have told me that they don't like who I've become. I have to admit, I hate myself right now. This June holiday may have been unproductive academically, but I've learnt that I don't need to put on a fake smile and that I don't need to please anyone but myself. That may not make me the best daughter, student or friend, but it makes me feel better about myself. It gives me a better reason to smile and when my time is up, I know that I won't regret living the life I lived because at least I've made the best out of it for me. Deep down, I want to start striving to make that small dream of mine come true, but as someone once said, life is just accomplishing one dream after the other. I can push that particular dream of mine back for a while to finish the one at hand. I know this year is about sacrifice, and I've sacrificed many things including my dream. But not anymore, because a life would dreams would have no meaning in it at all. That life had left me feeling empty. We dream because that is our true calling, our destiny to be fulfilled. And I truly believe that. In a way, this June holiday has made me realise that I am still that crazy Rachel who laughs out of the blue because of something that happened a long time ago, the Rachel who cries for the smallest of reasons and then pretends that it never happened. I am still that Rachel who feels heartache every time she watches a sad show, the Rachel who would still be compelled to fall in love every time she watches some sappy romantic comedy. I am still that Rachel who absolutely abhors studying, the Rachel who loves eating and sleeping even if that makes people call her a pig. And sadly enough, I'm still that Rachel who is so accident-and-illness-prone that I feel I'll die sooner or later. I am still me because in the end, people never really change. We merely learn new skills that make us become a better person to ourselves and those around us.

I am sorry that I've been the horrible person that I've been the past half a year. I know I shouldn't have made use of my friends to make myself feel better. I actually feel that what others have said about me have some truth in it. I was just too absorbed in repressing everything to believe that about myself. I'm sorry if I ever made anyone feel bad about themselves and I'm sorry if I ever made anyone feel upset.

On March 1st 2009, I told myself I needed a holiday.
I think I finally got one after so long.

omona!

2010-06-13T02:45:00.004+08:00

Oh my God.
JJONG HAS BEEN WORKING OUT <3
need to be in those arms~
CL Camp on Thursday was fun and tiring. I was a little taken aback by the sharing session because as the person who started, I wasn't sure of what others may say so I held back. Alot. Hearing some of the things that was said, I have to admit that some were completely and utterly superficial. But some, on the other hand, well... It made me feel bad. I didn't feel bad for not sharing as much as I think I should have, but for being who I am. And despite that, I just can't stop myself from being the person that I have come to be.
Honestly, I am sick of everything. Sick of this hectic life and all this unwanted yet bearable stress, sick of being the person I am now. But at the same time, I need it. I need to be this straightforward, perhaps slightly rude, and somewhat carefree person that I am right now. I need it because it helps me keep a smile on my face. I am not the person I was anymore. Partly because I don't want to be so vulnerable and also because I seem to have lost that side of myself.
I hate to sound so depressed but I can't help it because I know myself. I know that I won't really ever say such things out loud anymore and therefore all I can do to help ease this out is to type it out here.
maybe it's true I can't live without you
and maybe two is better than one

break

2010-06-08T21:39:00.000+08:00

I'm sick and tired. Literally.
I think I'm more sick and tired of life, though.
I really just want to go into isolation and forget about everything.
Yet I can't because life isn't that easy.
It's the June "Holidays" but honestly, this sure is some break.
I can't bring myself to study because I'm sick and I'm having that thing we call "holiday mood".
But I can't bring myself to enjoy this break because I'm constantly reminded that I should be studying, not playing.
Perhaps I'm just stressing myself out, but I have to because I know I don't have the self-discipline to study until the time comes.
And by the time that certain time comes, it'll be too late and I would have messed up just like I did last year.

I hate this

today

2010-05-31T20:40:00.001+08:00

today is the tomorrow I was worried about yesterday.
right now, my worries have proved to be spot on.

shit.

that is honestly all I can say right now about Chinese.

anyway, I absolutely detest having to finish writing my own testimonial by the end of the week.
it's like some major ego boost that I certainly do not need.
and to make things worst, it has to be genuinely something that describes me, but wth, I don't really know myself that well!
ahh and MC said that she'd write something bad if it's not truthful.

shit.

seriously, FML ):

tomorrow

2010-05-30T18:54:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow I'll wake up feeling so much anxiety that I may just explode.
Tomorrow I'll walk into the Hall of Faith with trembling hands while trying to calm myself down.
Tomorrow I'll walk down that row of desks, amongst a few hundred, and wish my friends the best of luck.
Tomorrow I want to walk out of that hall feeling good about what I've submitted because tomorrow marks the start of O levels.
I can't really say I'm confident that I'll attain my A1.
I can only hope that I'll know what to do when the time comes and not blank out.
And after tomorrow, I'd have to start on my revision for the other subjects.
Just thinking about it gives me butterflies.
I really hope I'll have the self-disipline to do so.

Aside from that, the only other thought in my head now would be that I hope tomorrow never comes.

I don't feel ready at all /:

1095

2010-05-20T20:52:00.003+08:00

Has it been 1095 days already?
I still miss you...
It seems like just yesterday when you were still saying, "She's my granddaughter, of course she can do it."
But I know you're in a better place right now.
I love you and I'm sorry I never said it before.

the end?

2010-05-19T20:06:00.000+08:00

In the end, it all comes down to two pieces of paper: the O Level certificate and the testimonial.

My Mid-Year results will bring me nowhere, but a thing to be glad about is the my L1R5 improved by 14 points.
I know I messed up last year, so I'm not going to repeat that mistake.
When I enter the Hall of Faith in October, I want to feel prepared.
And when I enter it again to collect my results, I want to be able to cry tears of joy and see that I am not hopeless.
But if it doesn't turn out well, I'll still be alright because I know I tried my best.

This may just be the first time that I'm trying so hard to get what I want, and it feels great (:

However, I definately am in need of SHABU SHABU.
And various forms of enjoyment.
I don't want to go crazy O:

WINTER OH XIA XUE FTW <3

the outcome

2010-05-17T21:16:00.001+08:00

I held it in after MC said, "Rachel, at the rate you're going, you're going to fail."
I held it in after I saw Regine cry because she was utterly disappointed with her grades.
I held it in when MC said before she walked out, "Rachel, you can do it."
I had to hold it in when everyone was comforting Regine.
And when everyone finally left the classroom, I cried.

I can't help but feel disappointed in myself even though I expected such grades because I gave up on Math to study the other subjects.
I know it's my fault and that crying over spilt milk is of no use in pulling up my grades, but I just needed to let it out.

I guess I just need to work harder now...
FML

craze

2010-05-17T00:47:00.000+08:00

Ahh AJ makes me love him more and more (:
<3 HIS WINK
Why must B2ST have a goodbye stage so soon )':

Saved before deleting. HAHA REGINE WAS PISSED.
He's such a weirdo -.-

SHINee PLEASE COMEBACK SOON!
(God, I'm obsessed)

JYP is a funny man <3

hehe I wish those were for me (;

lost

2010-05-16T02:19:00.000+08:00

I don't know what I should do about the current situation /:

fun

2010-05-07T22:33:00.001+08:00

Omg playing with a magic 8 ball on my iTouch is so... Amusing.
But it's a little annoying that somehow, deep (x1000000000) down inside, I know that what the ball replies to my (stupid) questions are true /:
Ah well, I had great fun today (;

Although my arm and leg muscles are aching from bowling and playing Time Crisis at the arcade O:
Omg if Ying and I really were Jong and Key (as our names were on-screen for bowling) there'd be a million JongKey moments. Heh

Speaking of Jong...
I TOTALLY LOVE HIS SMILE IN HELLO BABY WHEN KEY AND TWO MIN SURPRISED HIM FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
OMG HOTNESS :D
I could watch it a million times and not get bored with how he broke into that sincerely happy grin <3

onemorepapertofreedom

weather and climate

2010-05-02T17:45:00.001+08:00

Omg the weather is really trying to annoy me.
I absolutely abhor this tropical climate and the whole concept of global warming.
Our global temperatures are rising too much!

I miss Italy and it's wonderful weather ):

ready go

2010-04-29T16:32:00.001+08:00

Exams commenced today.
I'm taking a break from studying to say:
I LOVE MY ESSAY!
Although I think it's gonna score badly, I'll be fine with it.
I wrote about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs then relating it to the poisons of society today: sex, drugs, alcohol and smoking.
Heeee (:

"We are all heroes and heroines of our own story and someone somewhere will always be the evil queen. The only changing factor is whether or not you can be your own saving prince."

Omg sometimes I feel that my English is pro (':

Back to SS now /:

weightless

2010-04-25T14:41:00.010+08:00

my blog has been revived after four months or so.
but the funny thing is that I actually don't know why I'm doing this.

sometimes we just have to break down and cry

I miss the times when algebra was difficult and pain was just cuts and bruises.

the days seem to be getting shorter and in four days, Mid Years would commence.
my heart is prepared for the worst possible situation - a perfect L1R5
I wish life weren't so stressful and I wish I knew where to go and what to do with my life.

when will all this ever end?

on the bright side, we won (:
somewhat looking forward to the next round.

到底这感觉谁对谁错
我已不想追究
越是在乎的人越是猜不透

the final lines that made me want to cry.