I know I disappointed you.
My resutls are far from satisfactory. I know that, I really do.
I'm disappointing so many people around me.
I'm not living up to "what I should be".
Everyone keeps telling me that. Everyone.
And I hate it; I hate that I keep disappointing the people I care about.
But its just so hard sometimes.
I can't live up to everyone's expectations. I can't.
Sometimes its more of a matter of what I can be, or maybe even what I want to be, not what I should. It should never be this way.
But life never goes the way you want it to. Nothing does.
I know I disappointed you.
Honestly, I think you disappoint me even more.
I don't know what happened; I don't know what caused us to end up in the state we are in now.
We used to be so happy but now that just seems like a distant and vague memory.
This is supposed to be a family, isn't it?
Aren't we supposed to put in the effort to remain one?
I admit that it's partly my fault; all the late nights and early mornings, all the disappearing acts I pulled and all the lies I told.
But I'm a teenager, its supposed to be this way.
I'm supposed to hate coming home and love staying out late just hanging out with my friends. I'm supposed to lie to you about where I've been and who I've been with because I know it may upset you and I'm thinking that its just a fundamental trait that every teenager acquires.
I'm supposed to be like this. But what about you?
Aren't you supposed to be home when I'm home?
Aren't you supposed to yell at me and scold me or even call and text me a million times when it gets late?
Aren't you supposed to be there for me?
Aren't you supposed to be the embarrassingly loving parents I once had?
What happened?
Was it because I pushed you away too often?
Or was it because you got absorbed into your own little world?
I honestly don't know what happened.
All I know is that I'm disappointed.
More in one than the other.
Because I find it so difficult to believe, that the model of my ideal husband would end up being like this.
I find it difficult to believe that you would make use of your spouse and call her a bad parent just because of the way I'm behaving.
I know I disappointed you. But you disappoint me more.